Myrnin takes Oliver's hippie drugs
by x Ragdoll Kitty x
Summary: *CRACKFIC* Myrnin is bored so he decides to steal Oliver's hippie drugs. What consequences follow his actions?


**This is my first crackfic so plz be nice... Me and my frined EveyCklsire have been working on it :)**

**Read and Review ! x**

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**This is the story of how Myrnin learned to never again steal drugs from a five hundred year old hippie.**

It all started off on a rather unexceptional day, the sort of day that was everyday Morganville for a vampire and an even more boring one at that for one particularly extraordinary vampire.

His name was Myrnin, waits for applause to quiet down, and he was bored. He wanted to do something but couldn't figure out what to do. Nothing sounded right; he didn't want to prank Amelie, he didn't want to fight with Oliver and he didn't even want to spend hours writing in his diary about how much he loved little Claire. Bad things happen when Myrnin's bored.

He had a meeting with Amelie at 2, now that was going to be reallyboring and his yummy assistant, Claire wasn't coming around until 3. It was only 12 now. So he had 2 whole hours to wait. Tick tock, tick tock, I'm a clock. Then, with a sudden burst of uncontrollable euphoria, he remembered the drugs.

Now the exact location of the drugs Myrnin couldn't remember, but logical sense-ness told him that Oliver must have them since he was a, you know, hippie. Ick, why someone would want to be one of those tasteless idiots with such ridiculous fashion sense was way beyond Myrnin's brilliant train of thought. That in itself showed how stupid those people must be.

He could phone Amelie and ask her. But he can't remember the last time she tried drugs. She probably never did that's probably why he can't remember. Then he had a brainwave.

Raid Oliver's house.

It was the most awesome idea EVER. Maybe he could raid Oliver's smelly apartment which smelt horribly of _Oliver _then show Amelie and she will be super mad at him...

Now the only problem was finding where Oliver's stinky apartment was. Maybe Amelie knew! Well of course she knew, she was fu- nope, nope, nope, he was not going to go there. Just ew, no.

Either way she probably knew so his best bet was to ring her. Except of course he had just broken his phone... It wasn't his fault really, it was the humans for making them so fragile. Leave it to them to invent such impractical devices.

He sighed and thought about his options: He could take the scenic route which was walking through Morganville and attacking some probably innocent people along the way, or the not-so-scenic view of going by portal.

Myrnin checked upstairs. The sun was blazing down like a hot desert so he chose his second option of the portal.

He didn't want the sun to mess up his perfect skin.

Running back downstairs he threw open the portal with a rather dramatic wave of his hand and strode through into Amelie's office.

"Amelie! Hello! I was-" he started off, but then stopped in shock halfway into the room for Amelie was quite busy snogging Oliver ontop of her now messy desk. "Oh sorry!" He wasn't really, I mean come on! Amelie and Oliver? Ick.

Amelie pushed Oliver off where he fell in a heap at the foot of the desk and tidied her table. She cast a mean glance at Myrnin.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. Oliver jumped back up and was growling at Myrnin.

"Amelie we need to talk alone," Myrnin emphasized the_alone _part. Amelie sighed.

_"_Oliver get out," she said, rather spitefully at her newest boyfriend. He looked taken aback, but an innocent look from Amelie told him that was only because Myrnin was in the room. He left in a huff and slammed the door shut.

"Amelie, my dear queen," Myrnin started off, bowing low to the floor. "I need to know the location of our dear Oliver's abode."

"Why in the world would you need to know that?" Amelie asked, massaging her temples with her fingertips. She was very stressed.

"Because I want to steal his hippie drugs," Myrnin said, straight-faced and unblinking.

"Don't be stupid, Myrnin. Oliver doesn't have hippie drugs," Amelie answered, looking a tad worried.

"Of course he does. Shreve saw him once and that how he gets all you, _hippie,_" Myrnin said. Amelie sighed.

"For the last time Myrnin, it's _Eve _not Shreve. And Oliver doesn't have any hippie drugs or I would know," she said.

"Why because you put your tongue down his throat to taste for hippie drugs?" Myrnin asked. Amelie eyes flared red. She didn't answer.

"Well?" Myrnin asked. Amelie stared at him for several long moments before she broke because well, what if Oliver really did have hippie drugs?

"Ug, fine. He lives in the lower east side of town, 354 Greenwich St. In apartment 7," Amelie hesitantly told him, flipping her hair back over her shoulder. "But don't tell him that it was me who told you or I might have to, you know, like, kill you. Comprende?"

Myrnin nodded, "Sure I do. Thank you, my dear friend." He kissed her hand which she pulled back a bit disgusted and he zoomed out of the room and down to Oliver's apartment.

When he arrived he looked the place of residence up and down. For a hippie that goes around kissing female vampires, he didn't half keep his place of residence neat.

Maybe he had to so when his boyfriends - heh heh made him sound gay - came around he made a good impression.

Nevertheless, no matter how disgusting the apartment was he was going to have to search it.

Three hours later after searching through piles and piles of dirty, icky, hippie clothes, old food containers, and yes, by that he meant people, and weird movies that Myrnin was quite sure were indeed pornos, he finally found the drugs. In the wall. In a safe. Behind a painting of a dead giraffe. What a unimaginative place to hide something! sighed. He would never get Ollypop's ways of life. He took the drugs which were hippie drugs seeing as they came from a hippie and decided to show Amelie them. She would be so surprised that her new boyfriend actually has hippie drugs.

So he went out and took a deep un-unnecessary breath for it stank in the hippie's house. He zoomed back to Amelie's and banged on the door. He heard a sigh and a growl and then a voice. The door opened and Oliver stood composed and un-fazed by Myrnin's re-appearance.

Well he did stay un-fazed until he noticed what Myrnin was carrying in his hand.

"Myrnin, what are those?" Oliver asked, eyes red.

"I don't know why you're asking, old man for they are yours," Myrnin replied and shook his head at them. Oliver cast a glance over his shoulder, presumably checking for Amelie, before stepping out and shutting the door behind him.

"Here, give them to me! NOW!" Oliver growled. Myrnin smiled a crazy smile and shook his head, dancing away.

"Finders keepers, losers weepers!" he chanted like a little kid, pulling the drugs just out of reach of poor Oliver.

"What the hell were you doing in my house, you rat?" he hissed.

"Ow, you're really hurting me. And I just wanted to prove to dear Amelie that you have hippie drugs. Now why would a hippie have hippie drugs?" Oliver made a grab at his drugs but Myrnin just smirked and held them out of reach.

"Give me them NOW!" Oliver shouted, reaching for them again. Myrnin once again pulled just out of reach and dangled them in the air in mockery.

"Do you want the drugs, Ollie-Ollie-Ollypop? Does the hippie want the drugs? Sit, good boy, sit and you can have your drugs. Down boy," Myrnin said in a sweet voice that reserved for little children and puppies. Oliver lunged for the drugs, almost knocking into Myrnin who grabbed him by the throat and sent him spinning. "Now, now, now," Myrnin said, waving a finger, "That's no way to act if you want your precious drugs back!" Oliver jumped again and Myrnin threw him against the door with loud bang.

The door swung open to reveal an icy white and very much annoyed Amelie standing behind it. She looked at first at Myrnin, then at Oliver, then at the drugs in Myrnin's hand and then back at Oliver. Her expression suddenly changed and tears welled up in her eyes and started pouring down her face in a salty mess.

"OMG OLIVER! YOU DO HAVE HIPPIE DRUGS! THAT IS DISGUSTING! WE ARE SO OVER!"

And with that she spun around back into her room and slammed the door on both of them.

"Amelie..." Oliver said pitifully. He cast a mean glance at Myrnin and stormed out of the office and went back to his hippie house to mourn.

Myrnin came in.

"My dear Amelie please don't cry. Oliver is a stupid turd you can have me now. Don't worry." Myrnin said, getting tissue and wiped Amelie face. She took and blew her nose.

"Thank you Myrnin... Get rid of the hippie drugs I can't look at them without thinking of Oliver." She sniffles. Myrnin bowed and threw them in the bin.

He was halfway out of the room, he really couldn't stand crying people, before another flash of brilliance hit him. Why throw the drugs away? Why not use them to his benefit? Myrnin had firsthand knowledge of what drugs could do to someone's mind and why shouldn't he use his opportunity to influence someone? Someone like Claire? Surely the teenager would try the drugs!

He turned around, quiet as a mouse, and stole back into Amelie's office, careful not to disturbing her shuddering mess of a form and retrieved the drugs from the trash, grinning evily as he did so.

Myrnin put on standard issue vampire sun protection clothing and went to Claire's residence.

He banged on the door. It opened showing a tired Claire.

"Myrnin what do you want?" she asked.

"How rude of you to speak to me in that tone!" Myrnin exclaimed. Claire just rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, Myrnin. What do you want?" Claire tried asking again.

"I have a present for you!" Myrnin said with a super creepy smile, expecting her to be excited. Claire just glared at him.

"I don't want it." She the proceeded to slam the door in his face. Myrnin stood there for a moment with his face permanently fixed in a :o expression. He decided to try knocking again.

The flew open, much faster than Myrnin expected and he nearly fell into the house and landed on his face.

"Go away Myrnin!" Claire screamed at him. She again attempted to slam the door, but he was ready for her this time and got in with his super quick vampy speed before she could.

"Please Claire, will you accept you gift? I worked very hard on it!" Myrnin tired to persuade her. Only then did he notice what she was wearing...

Claire was wearing a button down shirt that had barely been fastened halfway and her trousers weren't fastened properly showing off her matching bra and pantie set. Claire caught Myrnin looking at her *ahem* private part and punched him in the shoulder.

"Stop looking you perv!" she shouted. Myrnin blinked. He was sure he didn't feel any assault... Strange humans. Besides, he thought her bra was the loveliest color, so much lace and bows. Lovely.

"I wasn't looking." Myrnin said innocently. He was still looking. Claire rolled her eyes and clutched her shirt closed.

"Freak," she muttered. Now it was Myrnin's turn to roll his eyes.

"Here, Claire, just take the present," he said, handing her a prettily wrapped box that concealed the stolen hippie drugs. Claire roughly grabbed it out of his hands, flashed him a fake smile and not so nicely pushed him towards the door.

"Thanks Myrnin, now get out!" Myrnin smiled a wicked smile, knowing that once Claire took the drugs everything was going to be peachy.

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